Here is some valuable wisdom that I found online. I will include the links and the text therein (just in case the links go dead).
1. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay
We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.
A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.
Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:
Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.
I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.
If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing to depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful:
Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.
When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.
Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to.
The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to also be there for yourself. Do that first.
The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.
Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.
Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it.
When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.
Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.
Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.
If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?
You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself.
This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.
One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me.
I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it.
It’s one of life’s great ironies, that it feels so natural to feel bad about feeling bad. All this does is keep us stuck. When we stop blaming ourselves for having room to grow, we’re free to focus our energy on doing it.
Do you have any techniques for validating yourself? 
“What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown
During the first week of July 2012, a storm left my little town and nearly one million other people in the Mid-Atlantic Region without electricity. The outage lasted eight days for Buffalo, Ohio, and we saw triple digits (F) each day.
I spent much of my free time in a hammock practicing my watching skills. I watched as I breathed in. I watched as I breathed out.
I watched thoughts pop up out of nowhere as I watched the leaves of two young oak trees dance in the hot, humid July breeze.
I think that week here in Ohio was as impactful as the 10-day Thich Nhat Hanh Retreat I experienced in October 2011.
It’s amazing to me the amount of perspective one can gain in such a short period of time.
The day the electricity was restored I decided to limit myself to just a few minutes on the Internet, which turned into an hour. I then returned to my hammock to watch my breath and my thoughts.
I wanted to make sure I understood the lessons of that week, and most of all I wanted to take with me the peace of mind I had rediscovered.
So, there I was—under those two trees listening to birds chirp in the absence of gas generators and watching my thoughts.
I brought with me a pen, a legal pad, and a few questions I thought would be helpful to answer before I plugged back in and continued to do what I do.
I have a long list of goals. I spent most of my life goofing off, and never thought I could do much of anything. Since I realized that I can do whatever I decide, setting and achieving goals has been fun for me.
After spending enough time asking this question, I realized that I have three major goals and a list of desired outcomes based on me reaching those goals.
This realization has narrowed my focus a great deal.
What brings meaning to your experience?
I love me some Facebook, but is it really helping me develop my primary goal—being calm, peaceful, and loving—or is it falsely fulfilling my “need” to feel connected?
I quickly realized I am better off by scheduling social network time as I do appointments. It’s actually been more effective in connecting with people.
This question is proving to be very valuable to me daily, and has morphed into “Is this the best use of your time and energy?”
I ask this question each morning and the answer greatly determines how the rest of my day goes.
My primary goal in life is to be calm, kind, and loving. All of the other goals I have listed are things I’d like to do or things/experiences I’d like to have. If I’m feeling a little anxiety when I wake up, my best course of action is to get myself relaxed and calm.
Make sure you ask this question before any coffee. This leads to the next question.
If you die tomorrow do they know you loved them?
If you die tomorrow are all your apologies said?
If you die tomorrow do you take any forgiveness with you?
If you die tomorrow did you do something today that was meaningful?
Many things in my life are meaningful to me.
On my last day on this planet I hope to wake up and write, eat a variety of fruits, nuts, and oats for breakfast, take a nap, hug 20 people, paddle on my standup paddle board, catch a wave or a wake, tell some people I love them, make love, and enjoy a nice cup of tea.
What if you die tomorrow?
It’s so easy to allow our attention to spin out. Most of us are overstimulated, overcommitted, and overly concerned with getting more stuff.
A lot of people have their eyes fixated on the tiny screen of their smartphones. They answer texts and update Facebook while they are in the company of loved ones. The world passes them by as they scroll through so called newsfeeds.
I rarely take my phone out of my house. I know that the ease of access will have me staring into the abyss trying to fulfill that sense of connection while missing the chance to connect in person.
Whose day can you brighten today?
The main reason I haven’t shaved my head and gone to devote myself to mindful meditation at some Thich Nhat Hanh Monastery is that I really think I gain more from the challenge of living a regular guy’s life mindfully.
I think sometimes conflict brings resolution. I’ve learned more about myself through dealing with people I don’t particularly like than I have from my time on the yoga mat or the meditation pillow.
I recognize myself in all that I see. So, I ask myself this question so that I am able to see more and more beauty each day.
What choices can you make differently today?
As my marketing of books and services takes hold I’ll have more money to give; but for now I have so much more than money can buy.
I have an able body and some helping hands. I have two ears to listen, two arms to embrace, and a mind full of useful information.
I have an endless supply of encouragement when I see people on a mission, and an infinite supply of love when I spend the time to clear.
I have a great smile, which I sometimes forget to show. I’m witty, goofy, and geeky enough to give the gift of laughter.
I really have all that I need in life and so much more.
What can you give today? And what important questions would you add to the mix?
1. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/
5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay
We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.
A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.
Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:
- Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing
- Calling people I loved and reminding myself of how much they valued me
- Sharing my experiences and recognizing through the resultant conversations that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles
Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.
I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.
If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing to depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful:
1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal.
Of course this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. If you don’t, you can still take a few minutes every day to give yourself some credit.Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.
When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.
2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.
Odds are you aren’t always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when you come to them with a painful story. You’re looking for them to confirm you didn’t do anything wrong—or that, if you did, you’re not a bad person for it.Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to.
The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to also be there for yourself. Do that first.
The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.
3. Recognize when you’re judging your feelings.
If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down, or feeling bad about feeling insecure—or generally having emotional reactions to emotions—you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless.Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.
Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it.
4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you.
I know this one might sound odd—bear with me! Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically.When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.
Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.
Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.
5. Get in the habit of ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
Oftentimes when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?
You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself.
This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.
One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me.
I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it.
It’s one of life’s great ironies, that it feels so natural to feel bad about feeling bad. All this does is keep us stuck. When we stop blaming ourselves for having room to grow, we’re free to focus our energy on doing it.
Do you have any techniques for validating yourself?
2. 7 Important Questions to ask yourself today.
7 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Today
“What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown
During the first week of July 2012, a storm left my little town and nearly one million other people in the Mid-Atlantic Region without electricity. The outage lasted eight days for Buffalo, Ohio, and we saw triple digits (F) each day.
I spent much of my free time in a hammock practicing my watching skills. I watched as I breathed in. I watched as I breathed out.
I watched thoughts pop up out of nowhere as I watched the leaves of two young oak trees dance in the hot, humid July breeze.
I think that week here in Ohio was as impactful as the 10-day Thich Nhat Hanh Retreat I experienced in October 2011.
It’s amazing to me the amount of perspective one can gain in such a short period of time.
The day the electricity was restored I decided to limit myself to just a few minutes on the Internet, which turned into an hour. I then returned to my hammock to watch my breath and my thoughts.
I wanted to make sure I understood the lessons of that week, and most of all I wanted to take with me the peace of mind I had rediscovered.
So, there I was—under those two trees listening to birds chirp in the absence of gas generators and watching my thoughts.
I brought with me a pen, a legal pad, and a few questions I thought would be helpful to answer before I plugged back in and continued to do what I do.
Question 1: What Brings Meaning to Your Experience?
As I asked this question to my “self,” I started to realize that my focus has been all over the place.I have a long list of goals. I spent most of my life goofing off, and never thought I could do much of anything. Since I realized that I can do whatever I decide, setting and achieving goals has been fun for me.
After spending enough time asking this question, I realized that I have three major goals and a list of desired outcomes based on me reaching those goals.
This realization has narrowed my focus a great deal.
What brings meaning to your experience?
Question 2: How Do You Spend/Invest/Leverage Your Time?
Now that I have an idea of what is meaningful to me, it’s easy to look at my daily habits and see where it is I am being mindful of my use of time.I love me some Facebook, but is it really helping me develop my primary goal—being calm, peaceful, and loving—or is it falsely fulfilling my “need” to feel connected?
I quickly realized I am better off by scheduling social network time as I do appointments. It’s actually been more effective in connecting with people.
This question is proving to be very valuable to me daily, and has morphed into “Is this the best use of your time and energy?”
Question 3: How Do You Feel?
A lot of my research lately has been focused on the limbic system. I’ve been studying stress hormones and breathing techniques that will bring the system (mind/body) back to a state of calm being.I ask this question each morning and the answer greatly determines how the rest of my day goes.
My primary goal in life is to be calm, kind, and loving. All of the other goals I have listed are things I’d like to do or things/experiences I’d like to have. If I’m feeling a little anxiety when I wake up, my best course of action is to get myself relaxed and calm.
Make sure you ask this question before any coffee. This leads to the next question.
Question 4: What If You Die Tomorrow?
This question actually morphs into a few more.If you die tomorrow do they know you loved them?
If you die tomorrow are all your apologies said?
If you die tomorrow do you take any forgiveness with you?
If you die tomorrow did you do something today that was meaningful?
Many things in my life are meaningful to me.
On my last day on this planet I hope to wake up and write, eat a variety of fruits, nuts, and oats for breakfast, take a nap, hug 20 people, paddle on my standup paddle board, catch a wave or a wake, tell some people I love them, make love, and enjoy a nice cup of tea.
What if you die tomorrow?
Question 5: How Can You Brighten Somebody’s Experience Today?
Hugs are proven to produce a sense of well-being in both people. Smiles are contagious. Sometimes a kind word from a stranger makes the difference in a person’s day.It’s so easy to allow our attention to spin out. Most of us are overstimulated, overcommitted, and overly concerned with getting more stuff.
A lot of people have their eyes fixated on the tiny screen of their smartphones. They answer texts and update Facebook while they are in the company of loved ones. The world passes them by as they scroll through so called newsfeeds.
I rarely take my phone out of my house. I know that the ease of access will have me staring into the abyss trying to fulfill that sense of connection while missing the chance to connect in person.
Whose day can you brighten today?
Question 6: What Choices Can You Make Differently?
My brain is programmed to recognize every stupid thing I do, and I still do some pretty stupid things. I recognize them, and do my best to change my behaviors. Some habits seemingly take longer to adjust.The main reason I haven’t shaved my head and gone to devote myself to mindful meditation at some Thich Nhat Hanh Monastery is that I really think I gain more from the challenge of living a regular guy’s life mindfully.
I think sometimes conflict brings resolution. I’ve learned more about myself through dealing with people I don’t particularly like than I have from my time on the yoga mat or the meditation pillow.
I recognize myself in all that I see. So, I ask myself this question so that I am able to see more and more beauty each day.
What choices can you make differently today?
Question 7: What Can You Give Today?
I spend very little of time trading hours for dollars. I’ve reduced my expenses and lifestyle to afford me the time to work on me, and to write.As my marketing of books and services takes hold I’ll have more money to give; but for now I have so much more than money can buy.
I have an able body and some helping hands. I have two ears to listen, two arms to embrace, and a mind full of useful information.
I have an endless supply of encouragement when I see people on a mission, and an infinite supply of love when I spend the time to clear.
I have a great smile, which I sometimes forget to show. I’m witty, goofy, and geeky enough to give the gift of laughter.
I really have all that I need in life and so much more.
What can you give today? And what important questions would you add to the mix?
